Going Back in Time to Move Your Relationship Ahead

What do we learn about relationships from our families? Everything.

Lauren and Max came to see us after Max discovered Lauren’s affair. She was remorseful and said she wanted their marriage to work. Max was willing to work on forgiving Lauren but knew they needed help. He thought he was a loving husband and had no idea why Lauren would cheat.

In taking her history, we learned that Lauren grew up with a father who was very critical. In his quest for Lauren to succeed, he set very high standards for her. Instead of this motivating her, Lauren felt nothing was ever good enough.

How Family History Affects Your Relationship: An Archaeological Dig into Your Past

The Story of Joan and Steve

Joan: You never spend time with me. After work, you come home, eat dinner and then head to the basement to watch ESPN. I ask you to come upstairs when I go to sleep and you say, “Be there in a minute,” but I am usually asleep before you get into bed. I feel so alone every night.

Steve: Don’t you understand that after I have worked all day managing a department of 15 women, I need some space, some downtime to be alone and just escape from the stress at work?

Joan: Why can’t you do that with me? I am not one of the women you supervise, I’m your wife.

Steve: I don’t know. Your feelings are so intense and I feel smothered. It’s not about you; I just need some “me” time. Alone.

Joan: It’s always about you. I feel abandoned every night; doesn’t that matter to you?

Relationship Highway – Knowing When to Exit: Deciding to “Break Up”

How do you know when is it time to “break up?” The decision to end a relationship can be clear and easy if there are “deal breaker” issues, e.g. he is disrespectful or pushy about sex when you made it clear you are not ready. On the other end of the spectrum, a decision to break up can be full of uncertainty and angst.

If the answer is right in front of you, it’s best to let the other person know and move on. If you are more deeply invested in the relationship – head, heart and hormones – it is vital that you face and embrace this decision.

In our work with couples in conflict who have been together for years, we ask each person, “Why did you commit to or marry your partner?” We have heard more than once:

Relationship Highway – Under Construction: Commit at Your Own Risk

“Relationship Highway,” the road to commitment is anything but a smooth ride. You may slam on the brakes if he/she has a habit of a “few too many” drinks; or you find out he/she is dating someone else in your “exclusive” partnership. Other warning signs or “deal breakers” may appear along the road and indicate you should take the next exit.

But what if the ride is pretty smooth? And then one day, for no apparent reason, you start to panic. You feel lost and don’t know where you are or which way to go. As your relationship moves toward commitment, you see yellow lights flashing; you know this may be the last time you travel Relationship Highway. There is a roadblock ahead; the sign comes into view, “Fear of Commitment – Exit here or Drive at your own risk.”

“Commitment phobia” is not just for men.

How fast do you drive on a date?

Every new relationship begins with a journey down what we call Relationship Highway (a.k.a. the Road to Commitment). As those of you who read our Relate 360° article of the month may know, there are five stops on Relationship Highway: Heaven, Re-Entry, Earth School, Graduation and Commitment. While we defined each stop along the way to your final destination (a lasting relationship) in our article, we didn’t talk about one key factor in getting there: The speed limit.

In other words, how fast should you drive down Relationship Highway?

While it’s true that some relationships sky rocket all the way to commitment in a matter of a few short months, many new relationships crash if either partner or both start out with their pedal to the metal. But why can it be so difficult to slow down?

Besides the fact that our hormones are often in the driver’s seat initially, there’s also a cultural factor at play: We live in an extremely fast world.

From Blast-Off to Hitched – The Highway to Commitment

Last month our Advanced Dating topic focused on how to find and consciously choose “Mr./Mrs. Right,” as opposed to just “falling” in love. We looked at balancing the Relationship Trilogy – Head, Heart and Hormones – in order to raise awareness that Heart and Hormones need to be kept in check by your Head as you decide who you choose to pursue a relationship with. We also shared our Feeling List, a tool designed to keep your Heart alert as you set off on this path.

So, this month, we want to focus on what comes after you find a desirable potential partner.

Becoming more deeply involved with your potential “Mr./Mrs. Right” takes you on a journey down “Relationship Highway” – which, of course, is the road to getting hitched. This road is your chance to determine whether your potential partner is the person you want to be your life companion, and, if applicable, parent to your children.

Understanding how to navigate “Relationship Highway” and all the stops along the way will prepare you for what lies ahead, keep you from veering off the road and from falling asleep at the wheel.

There are five stops on “Relationship Highway”:

Dating in the Age of Texting – 5 Rules to Live By

Remember when…

     You actually called each other on the telephone to make plans for a date.

     You would leave each other voicemails about having had a great time.

     Going out actually meant having your date’s full attention for the entire evening.

If you relate to these “remember when’s,” chances are you are over 45. Today, texting is the primary method of communication for people under the age of 45. This is a frightening thought for us – two therapists who know how difficult even face-to-face communication can be.

Texting in and of itself is not really the problem. It’s actually a very efficient way of letting your date know you are running late or confirming plans for the evening; it’s even okay to let your date know you enjoyed their company or send sweet thoughts that put a smile on his or her face.

The problems arise when